Why Am I Secretly Relieved When Plans Get Cancelled?

Part of a series about the secret questions we ask ourselves, often without saying them out loud.

Why am I secretly relieved when plans get cancelled?

You know that little flicker of relief. You were going to go. You’d said yes. Maybe you were even looking forward to it. And then the message arrives.

Sorry, I’m going to have to cancel.

And your first thought is:

Oh, thank goodness.

What if you didn’t have to make that mean anything?

Maybe you’ve had a busy day and what you really want is to get into your pyjamas, have an early night and not speak to anyone for a bit. Maybe you’ve been around people all day and what you need is some quiet. Or perhaps you thought you wanted to go when you made the plans and now, for whatever reason, you don’t. That happens too.

We can be remarkably good at turning a simple preference into an identity and judgements. I’m an introvert. I’m antisocial. I should get out more. I’m becoming boring. I always do this. And suddenly you’re not just deciding whether you want to go out tonight. You’re battling with what you’ve decided that answer says about you.

Meanwhile, there may be plenty of other occasions when you happily go out, seek people out, stay up too late and have a brilliant time. So now you’ve got another thing to work out. What does it mean if you don’t always want the same thing?

How much simpler might it be if you were allowed to just notice?

Do I want this?

Not what does this say about me? Not what should I want? Not what would a more sociable or adventurous person want? Just whether, on this particular occasion, you want to do the thing.

Because sometimes you will be looking forward to seeing everyone. You might be the one suggesting dinner or arranging the night out.

And sometimes you won’t.

You might have had enough. You might want your own company. You might want to curl up on the sofa. You might simply want an early night.

You don’t have to turn either answer into a personality trait.

You don’t have to decide that because you wanted to stay home tonight, you’re an introvert. Or because you wanted to go out last Saturday, you’re not. You don’t need to find a consistent version of yourself and stick to it.

You can want different things at different times. You can change your mind. You can discover that what you thought you wanted isn’t what you want anymore.

And perhaps you can listen to that without immediately asking yourself what it means.

That’s the bit that interests me.

Not whether you should go out more. Not whether you should listen to your body. Not whether you’re really an introvert after all.

Just noticing what is actually here.

Do I want this?

And if the answer is yes, lovely. If the answer is no, that’s OK too. Perhaps you don’t need a better reason. Perhaps I don’t fancy it tonight is allowed to be enough. And perhaps tomorrow, or next week, or next month, you’ll want something completely different.

You want what you want.

Maybe it really can be that simple.

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